In a clear indication of just how bad G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is likely to be, Paramount has declined to let critics see it before it opens Friday, The Associated Press reported.

The way studio executives see it, they’re doing you a favor by freeing you from the tyranny of the evil print and broadcast media:

Paramount Pictures

“G.I. Joe is a big, fun, summer event movie - one that we’ve seen audiences enjoy everywhere from Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland (pictured, right) to Phoenix, Ariz.,” said Rob Moore, vice chairman of Paramount Pictures. “After the chasm we experienced with Transformers 2 between the response of audiences and critics, we chose to forgo opening-day print and broadcast reviews as a strategy to promote G.I. Joe. We want audiences to define this film.”

Phoenix? When was that? Must have been a carefully vetted test audience, because I’ve heard to expect nothing but the worst. But that’s all right — we knew it was going to be bad when we saw those ridiculous power suits and bizarre casting. This is a Netflix candidate if ever there was one.

Bad as it is, they can’t take away our childhood memories, which is why I’ve prepared a slideshow of images — nostalgic and new — generously provided by Hasbro and Paramount. Just click on classic Destro, or the link below, to begin!

Slideshow: Yo Joe!

See also: G.I. Joe gets ‘Resolute’ in Adult Swim animation